Parenting styles are kind of a big deal.
Your parenting style influences everything from your child’s day-to-day behavior to their self-esteem and success in adult life.
How the world sees your kids seems to reflect your worth as a parent or even as a person. You are responsible for releasing a competent and kind human into the world,
AND
you didn’t even get an instruction manual.
The stakes are pretty high, all things considered.
You want to be a good parent, but what does that mean exactly?
Read more: Parenting Styles Ultimate Guide: How to Raise Happy People in 2023Knowing your parenting style empowers you to use your instincts and skills to support your parenting goals.
Calibrate your parenting practices by understanding the strengths and risks of each style.
Whether you’re struggling as a parent and want to learn more, or are curious how your parenting style aligns with what’s “normal”,
here’s everything you need to know about the wide world of parenting styles.
Parenting Styles, aka How You Herd Cats
Styles Vs. Practices
Parenting is a lot like herding cats: chaotic, tiring, often hilarious-
And one way or another, you’re gonna find techniques to get the job done.
Style-
Parenting style is a general idea or overall approach to cat herding, I mean, parenting based on levels of support and demandingness.
Support, or responsiveness, is the degree of parent-to-child acceptance, affection, & warmth.
Demandingness (it turns out this is a word) is the degree a parent controls a child’s behavior.
Your attitude about your children and the philosophies that guide parenting decisions create an emotional climate. A vibe, if you will.
This emotional climate is your parenting style.
Practice-
On the other hand, practices would be how the parents apply the styles. Specifically- discipline style, communication, nurturance, and expectations.
Baumrind: Parenting Styles Psychology Extraordinaire
What are the 3 main parenting styles?
Diana Baumrind was a 1960’s developmental psychologist who conducted studies on over 100 preschool-aged kids. Observation, parent interviews, and other research methods led her to the theory that different parenting styles can lead to divergent development and outcomes.
She categorized parents into three primary styles- Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Permissive.
Researchers Maccoby and Martin expanded on Baumrind’s research adding Uninvolved as a parenting style to the mix in 1983.
The Baumrind parenting styles are the 4 parenting styles used in psychology today.
Parenting styles chart
4 Parenting Styles: Authoritarian, Permissive, Authoritative, and Uninvolved (Which one are you?)
Authoritarian- “The Disciplinarian”
The Authoritarian parenting style is strict.
This parent expects their children to obey orders without question and typically rely on punishment (or threat) to control their kids. They rule with an iron fist and aren’t willing to engage in discussions about rules or accept children’s feedback. Authoritarian parents believe this parenting style will produce children who are high achievers, very capable, and successful in life.
Typical Traits
- Domineering and dictatorial, generally not nurturing
- High expectations, strict rules, harsh punishments
- Strong emphasis on safety and minimizing risks
- Doesn’t take a child’s feelings into account and attempts to reason are seen as backtalk.
Baumrind says
These parents are “obedience -and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation.”
Outcomes and Effects
- Less impulsive in decision making
- Highly attuned to negative consequences
- Disciplined and academically high-achieving
- Obedient and proficient
- Rule-dependent- children may not learn how to confront situations without established guidelines, leaving them insecure and unsure how to behave.
- Pressure to be perfect can contribute to low self-esteem
- Emotionally withdrawn and rank lower in happiness and social competence
A new study has even linked strict parenting to depression: https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/study-links-depression-methylation-stricter-parenting
Permissive/ Indulgent- “The Friend”
This parent is lenient, nurturing and communicative, often taking on a friend role rather than a parent. Permissive parents are warm and responsive and may have some rules but are reluctant to enforce them. They lack structure, consistency, and limits.
Typical Traits
- Avoid discipline to maintain friend status
- Forgiving, may give privileges back if child begs
- Very lenient, avoids saying no.
- Encourages the child to talk about problems, but doesn’t put much effort into discouraging poor choices or bad behavior
- Stands back and let kids decide how to experience life- only stepping in when there is a severe problem
Baumrind says
Permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are non-traditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.”
Outcomes and effects
- Free thinkers who aren’t afraid to speak their minds- more creative and expressive emotionally
- Kids learn natural consequences, independence, and resourcefulness.
- More willing to try new things and explore
- Encounter more problems in relationships and social interactions.
- May exhibit behavioral problems as they don’t appreciate authority and rules
- Rank low in happiness and self-regulation.
- Have egocentric tendencies
Brandi at Chicken Scratch Diaries highlights some of the struggles that come with overindulgent parenting: https://www.chickenscratchdiaries.com/overindulgent-parenting/
Authoritative- “The Democratic One”
The authoritative parenting style is mutually respectful.
This parent encourages kids to be responsible, to think for themselves, and to consider the reason for rules. They offer clear limits and consequences but are still willing to respect children’s feelings.
Typical Traits
- Positive discipline strategies to reinforce positive behavior
- Validate their child’s feelings, willing to listen
- Establish consistent guidelines for children to follow
- Have high expectations and provide warmth and feedback.
- Offers a voice and a choice – gives options within boundaries
Baumrind says
These parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative.”
Outcomes and effects
- Have more independence, self-control, and self-regulation skills
- Happy and more confident
- Develop good self-esteem
- Perform well academically
- Become responsible adults who self-advocate and express feelings
- Have competent social skills
- Exhibit less violent tendencies
- Have better mental health- less depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, delinquency, alcohol, and drug use.
- Good at making sound decisions and evaluating safety risks
Positive reinforcement, an authoritative parenting practice, leads to both happier kids and parents: https://www.momjunction.com/articles/positive-reinforcement-types-benefits-examples_00828768/
Uninvolved/Neglectful- AKA, What not to do
The uninvolved parenting style is harmful.
This parent may fill a child’s basic survival needs but is very detached. In extreme cases, uninvolved parents reject or neglect the needs of their children. They make few demands and offer little in the way of guidance, structure, rules, or even support.
Uninvolved parents’ neglect is not always intentional. A parent with mental health issues or substance abuse problems may not be able to care consistently for a child’s physical or emotional needs.
Typical Traits
- Expect children to raise or fend for themselves
- Spend little quality time with their children
- Lack love and affection
- Lack of interest in family life
- Fail to give consequences for bad behavior
- Provide little guidance to children
- Ignore child’s pleas for attention
Outcomes and effects
- Kids tend to lack self-control, are more impulsive
- Have low self-esteem
- Less competent than peers
- Perform poorly in school
- Rank low in happiness
- Have more mental health issues, delinquent behavior and addiction problems
Helicopter, Tiger, and Snow Plow, Oh my: Other Parenting Styles
Helicopter
A helicopter parenting style looks like literally or figuratively hovering over the child, much like a helicopter. They’re excessively involved in their kids’ academics or social life to the point where they are over-bearing.
Typical Traits
- Incessant worry about safety
- More restrictions than peers
- Invasive and controlling
- Attempts to intervene in the lives of older children
- Anxious on behalf of child
Outcomes and effects
- Kids don’t learn to handle their problems or cope with disappointment
- Less resilient and prepared for “the real world”
- Too dependent on adults
- Eventually grow resentful of their parents’
Attachment
Attachment parenting, coined by Dr. William Sears, refers to being physically and emotionally in tune with your child from birth and aims to create a secure bond between parent and baby.
Typical Traits
- Emphasis on affection and physical touch
- Breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, mainly applies to baby and toddler years when the child needs to be physically close to caregiver
- Prioritizes love and a nurturing environment, minimizing separation
Outcomes and effects
- Shown to help children cope with adversity and stress
- Undue pressure on parents, especially moms to breastfeed on demand, cosleep, neglecting own needs
- May hinder social-emotional development by letting the child choose when to stop nursing, even past 4 or 5 years old
- Struggle with separation anxiety
Tiger
Famously associated with eastern cultures, Tiger parenting is an extreme authoritarian style with high expectations for obedience, diligence, and results.
Typical Traits
- Demands perfection and top performance in academics and extracurricular activities
- Lacks warmth and affection
- Uses negative reinforcements like removing privileges, as well as name calling and insults when perceived as necessary
- Strictly defined system of rules and order
- Expects obedience at all times
Outcomes and effects
- Self-disciplined
- Academically successful
- Highly competent
- Can construe verbal and emotional abuse leading to a negative parental relationship
- Anxiety and feelings of inadequacy
Free-Range
Free-range parents encourage their children to spread their wings and fly from a young age. They believe in learning through natural consequences within reasonable and safe limits.
This hands-off approach may surprise some, but for these parents, it’s about trust and belief in their child’s ability to navigate the world independently.
Typical Traits
- Trust kids to do more by themselves
- Limited supervision, based on maturity and skill set
Outcomes and effects
- Kids discover their resourcefulness and resilience
- Does not mesh with every kid’s personality and circumstances
- Seems to encourage creativity and practical problem-solving skills
Gentle
Gentle parenting relies on empathy, respect, and a calm approach to enforcing boundaries.
Typical Traits
- Takes child’s needs into account
- Tries to see child’s point of view
- Reframes requests that go ignored, rather than demanding
- Unconditional love
- Prioritizes parent-child relationship over taking authoritative position
- Listens more and talks less
Outcomes and effects
- More compassionate
- Less hostile
- Better peer communication skills
- Becomes overly permissive when clear and firm boundaries aren’t set.
- Lack of demand can lead to a lack of self-discipline
Slow
Looks to eliminate hectic, varied schedules in favor of a simplified, decluttered life.
Typical Traits
- Less screen time or media influence
- Home space is minimal and neat, making tidying a regular process
- Allows time for rest and reflection
- Less rushed routines
- Encourages emotional bonding and quality time over material objects
Outcomes and effects
- Confident and self-sufficient
- May find it easier to remain calm in stressful situations
- Can lead to unstructured time that’s not ideal for every child.
Gender Neutral
This parenting style aims to raise kids without enforcing traditional gender roles.
Typical Traits
- Doesn’t use gendered pronouns for child
- May conceal child’s biological sex
- Avoids providing toys and colors that are viewed as gendered
Outcomes and effects
- Less likely to engage in gender stereotyping
- May be complicated and confusing
- May draw negative attention from less liberal parents
- Children may strongly desire to identify with a gender
Narcissistic
These parents are self-centered and highly possessive of their children, seeing their budding independence as a threat.
Typical Traits
- Sees their children as a source of validation
- Emotionally manipulative, using shame and gaslighting
- Often poses as loving and caring, but volatile behind closed doors
- Generally suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or other mental illnesses
Outcomes and effects
- Poor self-esteem
- Children may have emotional trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations
Toxic
Toxic parenting is a form of neglect that creates a hostile home environment. These parents treat parenting as a low priority and put their own needs first.
Typical Traits
- Uses fear, guilt, and humiliation as parenting tools
- Actively physically, emotionally, or sexually abuses a child or allows abuse.
- Neglectful about providing for long-term needs like housing, clothing, and education
- Lacks emotional warmth and fails to make children feel loved or safe
Outcomes and Effects
Often causes depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or actions, physical and mental trauma, PTSD, anger issues, and instability due to legal problems or removal to foster care.
Why You Can Stop Blaming Yourself For How Your Kids Turn Out
Parents have influence, but not complete control.
Parents matter, but it’s impossible to measure the exact impact.
A child’s genetics and temperament, cultural and religious backgrounds, peer relationships, teachers, and socioeconomic environment all shape a person.
Genetics and temperament can shape the way we respond to our children, too.
Sensitive and excitable kids may be perceived as more challenging, influencing parents to lean more authoritarian. Or they feel helpless and give up trying to enforce standards, resulting in a permissive parent.
Do people really fit neatly into categories?
The Baumrind parenting style scheme is helpful, but like any attempt to categorize humans, parenting style psychology theory has some limitations.
The original families Baumrind surveyed reflected parenting styles in America,
and primarily white, middle-class Americans, which obviosuly doesn’t encompass the entire parenthood experience.
(Drumroll, please) And the Best Parenting Style is…
…Authoritative! (But “best” is a pretty bold claim.)
Can’t argue with the data.
Studies consistently show that authoritative parenting consistently leads to positive parent-child relationships, fewer mental health symptoms, and more socially competent humans.
Even within cross-cultural contexts, warm and responsive parenting raises happy, balanced children.
Parenting is not an all-or-nothing proposition, though.
Realistically, your parenting style is part of a continuum
You may have to parent using tactics from differing styles, depending on your child’s and your own needs. Sometimes you must flex and adjust your approach, even within the same day.
Emotional well-being should always precede preconceived notions about what “kind” of parent you are supposed to be.
It’s okay to have some permissive days or emphasize strictness on others, but if your parenting batting average generally ranks authoritative, you are on the right track.
What Matters- Raise Kids You Can Be Proud Of
You’re pretty much a parenting style expert at this point, and it’s time to put your know-how into practice.
So what’s next?
You have a pretty good idea now of what you’re doing well and what parenting styles you want to avoid.
This awareness helps you intentionally calibrate your style to have the most positive impact along your parenthood journey.
Your parenting style empowers you to transform the emotional climate of your home for the better.
We haven’t discovered the perfect mom or dad (yet), but a balance of healthy, positive boundaries will set you and your kids up for success, now and in the future.
You’re never quite “done” being a parent, but the influence of your parenting style does wane-
before you know it, your little one will be all grown up
(cue the happy tears!).
When you see the incredible person you’ve raised – someone happy, responsible, and confident- you can trust that your parenting style made all the difference.